In Love with Keisha

How To Be Married and Happy (Part 1)

“Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God’s gift.” Ecclesiastes 9:9 (The Message Bible)

Marriage and Happiness Starts with Self-Examination

As a marriage therapist and relationship coach, when a couple comes in to work on their relationship they are usually focused on what their spouse is doing wrong.  The interesting thing is that both people are aware that they are doing things that are damaging to the relationship, however, their focus is typically not on themselves.  Why is that?

Re-Examine Your Thinking

Do you expect your partner to be perfect?  Of course not, you would probably say!However, I want you to take a moment before answering.  Do you spend more time paying attention to your spouse’s faults or their beauty?   Everybody knows that they married people with flaws, but for some reason we don’t want to be reminded of them. We are all works in progress

, and happiness is about coming to terms with that.  When you look at your spouse so critically, you have essentially stopped loving them and started judging them. Marriage was meant to be a safe place to grow!

Do you expect your mate to make you happy? If so, that expectation is unrealistic and unattainable.  Don’t set your partner up for failure!  That is not their responsibility.  Happiness is an internal process.  If you find yourself unhappy in your relationship, take a look at yourself.  Are you working hard at being the person you want to be.  If not, is that the real source of those feelings of unhappiness?

The flip side of that is, don’t get stuck trying to make your spouse happy.  Remember being loving is different than making someone happy.  The first is a choice, the second is sabotage. When you spend all of your energy trying to please someone in an attempt to make them happy, you typically lose yourself and will not get the results you desire. (I will talk more about the pleasing pitfall in a future post)

For Marriage Happiness … Work On Yourself In These Vulnerable Areas:

Finances

• Practice Generosity
• Practice Delayed Gratification
• Practice Fiscal Discipline
• Find Joyful Work/Career

Personal Appearance

• Always try to look your best, but accept unchangeable features – yours and your spouse’s.
• Accept aging as a gift and beautiful!

Lifestyle

• Accept comfort and contentment and don’t fall into materialism and pride.
• Always pursue personal growth.

Courtesy

• Be Kind
• Be Considerate
• Be a Team Player
• Be a Thoughtful Lover
• Support Your Spouse
• Don’t Get Stuck In Roles – Be flexible in your thinking.

What do you think are the keys to marriage & happiness? I would love to hear what you think!

“Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword

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, but wisely spoken words can heal.” Proverbs 12:18 (TEV)

THINK When You Speak…

Truthful    Helpful    Inspirational    Necessary    Kind

I wasn’t really digging my husband this weekend.  We just weren’t getting along, everything he did was just getting on my nerves (I’m sure he felt the same way).  Because I was feeling that way I wasn’t feeling my normal lovey dovey self.  So, not as many touches, kisses, honeys, or I love yous!  I didn’t feel very good about that but that is how I was feeling.

Every morning that we are not together, which is typically 4 out of 7 mornings a week.  My husband will send a good morning text, he’ll send it first since he gets up earlier, I will read and respond a couple of hours later.  Of course, some mornings are better than others.  This morning he sent me an average text, and my first instinct was to send a lackadaisical response without putting much thought into it, but instead I paused for a second and thought about what I really wanted to say. So, I took the time to say something loving and love my man back

, even though I wasn’t feeling loving.

Lesson 1:       Love Him Anyway

Love is a Verb… an action word!  Be loving and you will feel love!  The more I held back, the worst I was going to feel about him and over time those feelings fester and create bad relationships.

Lesson 2:      Don’t Let Unloving Feelings Take Over Your Relationship

You are in control over those feelings.

Lesson 3:      Talk About It

Tonight I plan on sitting down with him and just tell him what is bugging me.  I just realized that there is something bugging me that I haven’t been talking about.  It is unfair to just hold on to resentment without giving your partner the opportunity to work through it with you.

Lesson 4:     Instead of Complaining, Make A Request

We all deserve great relationships!